Blessed.
This is the typical feeling I have almost everyday since we have had our babies. They just turned 5 months old. I often remind myself how lucky my husband and I are to have these two children in our lives and that we are able to raise them. At the same time I am reminded nearly everyday of our first baby. The one we lost before we became pregnant with the twins.
We found out on July 4, 2014. I thought I had had my period, but it was not normal and I suspected I as pregnant and had heard that sometimes you can have a period when you are pregnant. I chalked it up to implantation bleeding since we had a positive pregnancy test.
A few weeks later, before our first appointment, I started bleeding and went to the hospital. Long story short, we had lost the baby at 7.5 weeks. To say the least, we were devastated. It took me 2 full days before I talked to anyone besides my husband. It was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. I am tearing up writing about it now.
I think that the most devastating part of the whole experience was finding out how common miscarriages are. Our sonographer told us that she sees at least one women per day with a miscarriage. This is heartbreaking. I consider my husband and I to be beyond fortunate that after our loss, we were blessed with our twins. I can't help but feel for couples who lose babies and never have a baby. This is something that I think about probably more than I should. The only thing I can do is pray that those who want children are blessed with them.
While we have many, many blessing that we have gained after our loss I often think about the baby we will never meet in this lifetime. If our baby had survived, we wouldn't have had our twins. That is unimaginable now that they are here and part of our lives.
In my heart, I believe that our first baby was lost so that we would have the children we have now. I find comfort in thinking that our first baby looks over our twins as their guardian angel. While that does bring me some comfort I will always wish to have met the baby we lost.
My heart goes out to anyone reading this that has lost a baby or child. While it seems like the most unfair and horrible of situations, it is helpful to find the positive. I know there is nothing that anyone can say to make you feel better, but I can say that most days I still feel a connection with our first baby and will always, always think of him.
I can't explain it, but i know in my heart that it was a boy.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Baby Steps
Baby Steps. Not my baby's steps, but my baby steps. It has been nearly three months since I had the twins and I have been slowly trying to get into good shape. This is something that I have worked on for many, MANY years and have had some success and some not so successful attempts.
This time I have so much motivation pushing me forward.
1. Setting an example for my amazing kids. I don't want them growing up thinking that restricting food and over exercising is "normal" I also don't want them growing up thinking it is okay to eat junk whenever you want and to not be active. That is just not realistic. I am pretty sure my kids have inherited some of my genes. If this is so, they will need to eat reasonably and exercise as adults in order to stay health and feel good about themselves. There is a happy medium that I am trying to achieve for myself as well as set that example for my children. That is a pretty powerful motivator.
2. My sister in law is getting married and I am in the wedding. Yes. I will be in a strapless dress in eight months, ready or not. I have been in weddings before and, honestly, wish I would have worked a little harder before my own wedding to feel more comfortable in my own skin. My goal for the wedding is to look at the pictures and be happy with what I see.
3. Clothes! I like so many clothes that I don't think look good on my body. One of my goals is to be able to wear some of those clothes with confidence. I don't want to feel like I have to hide under my sweaters in the winter and dread short season.
4. My husband. He deserves a hot wife. I know, without a doubt, that he loves me no matter what. in fact, I think he loves me more now with my post baby body because I gave him two children that we both adore. I helped make him a father and i know that makes me even more attractive to him. He has even told me that he will love my body no matter what, but if I want to lose weight and feel better, then he supports me. It is awesome to not have any pressure from him on the subject. No matter what, he loves me and thinks I am beautiful. Jackpot.
5. My health. I want to be around for a long, long time for my children. There is no better motivation than the thought of my children not having to worry about my health in the future.
So, I have been on weight watchers for about 1 month to help me understand portion sizes a bit better and have begun working out. It is very difficult for me to see my body in the mirrors at the gym. In fact, I look out the window whenever I can. I don't like what I see right not, but I am proud of my body at any size. This body carried twins to full-term (37 weeks is full term for twins). I delivered them vaginally and they only spent 2 days in the hospital. To say I love my body is an understatement. I want to improve my body so I love it even more. I know I can do anything physical that I put my mind to. I also know that it will take me time to get where I want to be. I struggle the most with getting caught up in how far I have to go, but I try to remember that I will get there one day and giving up will only keep me from achieving the goals I have listed above. It will take baby steps, but at least I am able to step at all, right?
This time I have so much motivation pushing me forward.
1. Setting an example for my amazing kids. I don't want them growing up thinking that restricting food and over exercising is "normal" I also don't want them growing up thinking it is okay to eat junk whenever you want and to not be active. That is just not realistic. I am pretty sure my kids have inherited some of my genes. If this is so, they will need to eat reasonably and exercise as adults in order to stay health and feel good about themselves. There is a happy medium that I am trying to achieve for myself as well as set that example for my children. That is a pretty powerful motivator.
2. My sister in law is getting married and I am in the wedding. Yes. I will be in a strapless dress in eight months, ready or not. I have been in weddings before and, honestly, wish I would have worked a little harder before my own wedding to feel more comfortable in my own skin. My goal for the wedding is to look at the pictures and be happy with what I see.
3. Clothes! I like so many clothes that I don't think look good on my body. One of my goals is to be able to wear some of those clothes with confidence. I don't want to feel like I have to hide under my sweaters in the winter and dread short season.
4. My husband. He deserves a hot wife. I know, without a doubt, that he loves me no matter what. in fact, I think he loves me more now with my post baby body because I gave him two children that we both adore. I helped make him a father and i know that makes me even more attractive to him. He has even told me that he will love my body no matter what, but if I want to lose weight and feel better, then he supports me. It is awesome to not have any pressure from him on the subject. No matter what, he loves me and thinks I am beautiful. Jackpot.
5. My health. I want to be around for a long, long time for my children. There is no better motivation than the thought of my children not having to worry about my health in the future.
So, I have been on weight watchers for about 1 month to help me understand portion sizes a bit better and have begun working out. It is very difficult for me to see my body in the mirrors at the gym. In fact, I look out the window whenever I can. I don't like what I see right not, but I am proud of my body at any size. This body carried twins to full-term (37 weeks is full term for twins). I delivered them vaginally and they only spent 2 days in the hospital. To say I love my body is an understatement. I want to improve my body so I love it even more. I know I can do anything physical that I put my mind to. I also know that it will take me time to get where I want to be. I struggle the most with getting caught up in how far I have to go, but I try to remember that I will get there one day and giving up will only keep me from achieving the goals I have listed above. It will take baby steps, but at least I am able to step at all, right?
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Did You Know You're Having Twins?
My husband and I had been married for nearly three years when we decided it was time to start a family. We both knew we wanted to be parents, but wanted to wait until we were in a house and I was done with school (this was genius on our part for obvious reasons).
So when the time came to start trying we had our struggles, although they were no where near what some people go through to stat a family. On a side note, this breaks my heart. I feel like so many people struggle to get pregnant these days and it is one of the most heart breaking and frustrating situations to be in. I often pray that anyone struggling to get pregnant will soon be blessed with a precious baby.
Once I had a positive pregnancy test, I scheduled an appointment to confirm the pregnancy with my Dr. Typically, a Dr. wont see you until you are 9-12 weeks when there is a heart beat, but since I had had previous issues I was able to go in when I was only 5 weeks along.
I went by myself for this appointment. I told my husband that I was fine to go alone and that I just wanted confirmation and to see it with my own eyes knowing there wouldn't be a heart beat. So there I was alone, excited, nervous, and terrified all at the same time. I was looking at the screen as the tech was doing her thing and I kept seeing her type GS 1 and GS 2. I had the thought that it could be twins, but I was trying to convince myself that it wasn't what I thought it was. The tech didn't say a thing during the procedure until the very end when she said "Did you know you are having twins?" Yes. That is how she told me. I answered "No!" and started nervously laughing and staring at the screen. I probably said "Oh my gosh" 100 times in about 2 minutes.
I went back into an exam room and waited for the Dr. to come in and look at the pictures. He was a little surprised as well and said there was a chance that one could disappear since I wasn't too far along, but that I had a legitimate pregnancy. At this point I was in shock and trying to think about what to say to S when I got home. I was hoping he would be just as shocked as I was, but knowing him, he wouldn't show his fear and act like it was going to be fine.
I drove home in shock and was able to convince S to wait for me to get home before he left for football practice (he coached a pee wee team at the time). I showed him the ultrasound picture and he made a comment about how funny it looked and he handed it back to me. Still being shocked by myself, I told him to look again and tell me what he thought he saw. He kept looking at it and said "I don't know what I'm looking at". I finally said "There's two" while choking back tears and he finally had shock face. Thank you! Finally the shock I was waiting for! I cried while he laughed and starred at the picture. Then he looks up at me and says "We will be fine" and we are. Knowing then that we could end up with only one of them or either of them was scary. Not knowing what would happen was scary. It was our first glimpse into parenthood. We are not in control and that in it of itself is terrifying, but we would do it all over again to have both our babies.
That was a defining day in our lives that we will never forget. And now that we have our babies we know that we were supposed to have them at the same time and that we were meant to be their parents. I often tell people (and will tell the babies when they get older) that they both picked us to be their parents and couldn't decide who should go first, so they both came at the same time. I will never forget the fear I felt that day, but I now know it was the very best thing that could have ever happened to us. We are blessed.
So when the time came to start trying we had our struggles, although they were no where near what some people go through to stat a family. On a side note, this breaks my heart. I feel like so many people struggle to get pregnant these days and it is one of the most heart breaking and frustrating situations to be in. I often pray that anyone struggling to get pregnant will soon be blessed with a precious baby.
Once I had a positive pregnancy test, I scheduled an appointment to confirm the pregnancy with my Dr. Typically, a Dr. wont see you until you are 9-12 weeks when there is a heart beat, but since I had had previous issues I was able to go in when I was only 5 weeks along.
I went by myself for this appointment. I told my husband that I was fine to go alone and that I just wanted confirmation and to see it with my own eyes knowing there wouldn't be a heart beat. So there I was alone, excited, nervous, and terrified all at the same time. I was looking at the screen as the tech was doing her thing and I kept seeing her type GS 1 and GS 2. I had the thought that it could be twins, but I was trying to convince myself that it wasn't what I thought it was. The tech didn't say a thing during the procedure until the very end when she said "Did you know you are having twins?" Yes. That is how she told me. I answered "No!" and started nervously laughing and staring at the screen. I probably said "Oh my gosh" 100 times in about 2 minutes.
I went back into an exam room and waited for the Dr. to come in and look at the pictures. He was a little surprised as well and said there was a chance that one could disappear since I wasn't too far along, but that I had a legitimate pregnancy. At this point I was in shock and trying to think about what to say to S when I got home. I was hoping he would be just as shocked as I was, but knowing him, he wouldn't show his fear and act like it was going to be fine.
I drove home in shock and was able to convince S to wait for me to get home before he left for football practice (he coached a pee wee team at the time). I showed him the ultrasound picture and he made a comment about how funny it looked and he handed it back to me. Still being shocked by myself, I told him to look again and tell me what he thought he saw. He kept looking at it and said "I don't know what I'm looking at". I finally said "There's two" while choking back tears and he finally had shock face. Thank you! Finally the shock I was waiting for! I cried while he laughed and starred at the picture. Then he looks up at me and says "We will be fine" and we are. Knowing then that we could end up with only one of them or either of them was scary. Not knowing what would happen was scary. It was our first glimpse into parenthood. We are not in control and that in it of itself is terrifying, but we would do it all over again to have both our babies.
That was a defining day in our lives that we will never forget. And now that we have our babies we know that we were supposed to have them at the same time and that we were meant to be their parents. I often tell people (and will tell the babies when they get older) that they both picked us to be their parents and couldn't decide who should go first, so they both came at the same time. I will never forget the fear I felt that day, but I now know it was the very best thing that could have ever happened to us. We are blessed.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Back At Work
My twins are 9 weeks old today and I have been back to work for a week and a half or so. Before I had the babies I knew I was returning to work for many different reasons. First, I LOVE my job. I work at a university in the Dallas area and do health education for college students. Both my bachelor's and master's degrees are in health education and I have worked in this field for over 6 years. It goes without saying that I found my niche. Also, My husband is self-employed, so health insurance for all 4 of us comes from me (HUGE benefit from my job). Financially it makes sense as well. The more money we are bringing in, the better off our children will be in the future. If I didn't work, saving for college wouldn't be a possibility right now. So, all in all, me going back to work was the best logistical decision for us.
I have always known that I wanted to continue working, but I don't want people to think that this was an easy decision for me to make. While I knew this was going to be the best decision for our family, I couldn't imagine not being with my kids everyday after I had them. I quickly realized that I wouldn't be there every time they cried to comfort them. I wouldn't be there for every feeding to make sure they ate enough or that they burped well (LG has acid re-flux and LB is very cranky if he doesn't burp well). I honestly thought that they were too young to remember who I was and would bond with who ever was caring for them daily.
Now that we have had a routine for a few weeks or so, I feel so much better about my decision. Not only did it logistically make sense, but it made sense for me as an individual and for my children. I want them to be as independent as possible. I know many children who have gone to daycare from a very early age and I am always impressed with how well adjusted they are. I know that this is not solely based on going to daycare, but I liked the fact that my children would always have a place to learn and that they would have to rely on someone other than my self or their dad for help. Let's face it, in the real world parents can't be with their children all the time and I want my kids to know that they can do things without us (even if it breaks my heart to think that someday they wont need me).
Let me give you a glimpse into my first day back at work:
- I woke up around 5:45am and got myself ready. I prepped our bags and everything they would need for the day the night before so I really only had to brush my teeth, wash my face and fix my hair (I shower at night).
- After I was ready (except for my shirt. I put that on last because you can imagine what would happen to it if I fed them with it on) and fed the babies at 6:30 while watching the news.
- After they ate I let them sit up for a little in a boppy to help their bellies settle and got my coffee and lunch together. I make my lunch the night before as well and throw it in a bag in the morning.
- Then I change the babies and put on their outfits.
-Next, getting everyone/everything to the car. It is physically very difficult to get the babies and all of our crap to the car by myself. So, the night before I put my gym bag (I workout at lunch time) in the car so I have one less thing to load. I pull the car out of the garage and load all of our bags, my coffee, etc. I keep the car running with it locked so it stays cool and go inside to put the babies in their car seats. This is always a challenge. They hate their car seats and cry every time we put them in there. After I load them in the car, we are pulling out of the driveway by 7:10am.
- I take them into daycare and get all of their stuff in order and say my goodbyes and am in my car by 7:30am, at work by 8am.
Yes I cried on the way to daycare and when we went inside and when I was talking with the teacher and when I finally walked back to my car. By the time I was halfway to work I was thinking about my job and my-coworkers and I felt much better. I haven't cried dropping them off since. I have been so busy at work and I know my babies are well taken care of that I don't have sad emotions about it anymore.
You may be wondering where S is during all of this morning shuffle. Right now he is in charge of the 11:30pm feeding and is in bed by 12:30-1am every night. I go to bed around 9:30pm and am in charge of the 6:30am feeding and the middle of the night feeding if there is one. This way, we both get a good solid block of sleep. Plus, he can get up later because he works from home and doesn't have to be somewhere at 8am every morning.
Not being with the babies everyday is not easy, but it is working for us. I know I am missing some cuteness and cuddles, but I definitely get them when I get home. They know I am Mommy and smile every time I walk in the door and that is the best feeling in the world. I have to say that I am very happy being a working Mom. I am a better mother when I am with them and a better wife to my husband. I look at it this way, I get to do two jobs that I love and these two babies to cuddle every day!
I have always known that I wanted to continue working, but I don't want people to think that this was an easy decision for me to make. While I knew this was going to be the best decision for our family, I couldn't imagine not being with my kids everyday after I had them. I quickly realized that I wouldn't be there every time they cried to comfort them. I wouldn't be there for every feeding to make sure they ate enough or that they burped well (LG has acid re-flux and LB is very cranky if he doesn't burp well). I honestly thought that they were too young to remember who I was and would bond with who ever was caring for them daily.
Now that we have had a routine for a few weeks or so, I feel so much better about my decision. Not only did it logistically make sense, but it made sense for me as an individual and for my children. I want them to be as independent as possible. I know many children who have gone to daycare from a very early age and I am always impressed with how well adjusted they are. I know that this is not solely based on going to daycare, but I liked the fact that my children would always have a place to learn and that they would have to rely on someone other than my self or their dad for help. Let's face it, in the real world parents can't be with their children all the time and I want my kids to know that they can do things without us (even if it breaks my heart to think that someday they wont need me).
Let me give you a glimpse into my first day back at work:
- I woke up around 5:45am and got myself ready. I prepped our bags and everything they would need for the day the night before so I really only had to brush my teeth, wash my face and fix my hair (I shower at night).
- After I was ready (except for my shirt. I put that on last because you can imagine what would happen to it if I fed them with it on) and fed the babies at 6:30 while watching the news.
- After they ate I let them sit up for a little in a boppy to help their bellies settle and got my coffee and lunch together. I make my lunch the night before as well and throw it in a bag in the morning.
- Then I change the babies and put on their outfits.
-Next, getting everyone/everything to the car. It is physically very difficult to get the babies and all of our crap to the car by myself. So, the night before I put my gym bag (I workout at lunch time) in the car so I have one less thing to load. I pull the car out of the garage and load all of our bags, my coffee, etc. I keep the car running with it locked so it stays cool and go inside to put the babies in their car seats. This is always a challenge. They hate their car seats and cry every time we put them in there. After I load them in the car, we are pulling out of the driveway by 7:10am.
- I take them into daycare and get all of their stuff in order and say my goodbyes and am in my car by 7:30am, at work by 8am.
Yes I cried on the way to daycare and when we went inside and when I was talking with the teacher and when I finally walked back to my car. By the time I was halfway to work I was thinking about my job and my-coworkers and I felt much better. I haven't cried dropping them off since. I have been so busy at work and I know my babies are well taken care of that I don't have sad emotions about it anymore.
You may be wondering where S is during all of this morning shuffle. Right now he is in charge of the 11:30pm feeding and is in bed by 12:30-1am every night. I go to bed around 9:30pm and am in charge of the 6:30am feeding and the middle of the night feeding if there is one. This way, we both get a good solid block of sleep. Plus, he can get up later because he works from home and doesn't have to be somewhere at 8am every morning.
Not being with the babies everyday is not easy, but it is working for us. I know I am missing some cuteness and cuddles, but I definitely get them when I get home. They know I am Mommy and smile every time I walk in the door and that is the best feeling in the world. I have to say that I am very happy being a working Mom. I am a better mother when I am with them and a better wife to my husband. I look at it this way, I get to do two jobs that I love and these two babies to cuddle every day!
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
The 18 Year Old Me
In the two months since we had our twins, I often stop myself and think "how did we get here?" My husband and I first met when we were 18 years old at Oklahoma State University. I went on to graduate from there, but S left after just one semester. So how on earth did we end up married with twins? The 18 year old me just thought S was cute and fun to be around. The 29 year old me sees him and myself much differently now.
On July 9, 2015 we had our babies, LB and LG. They are fraternal twins, a boy and a girl. When people tell you that a baby changes everything, boy are they right! I thought we were ready to have a baby when we started trying. I even thought "we can do this. We will still do the things we do now, but have a baby with us." I can't begin to tell you how wrong I was. The truth is that there is no way to prepare yourself for the changes that happen when you have your first child. Now, I don't have anything to compare this too, but twins have rocked our world greater than we ever expected. I'm sure having one baby would do a good amount of rocking too. The 18 year old me knew that I wanted to have kids one day, but she never imaged that she would be the mom to twins. The 29 year old me can't imagine my life without them.
Here are a few things I would tell the 18 year old me today:
- Stop and enjoy being a freshman in college
- Most of the friends you made this year will not be around next year
- You will not become an engineer like you planned
- You will date a handful of boys and end marrying someone you have already met 6 years from now
- You will have children someday
- You can handle much more than you every dreamed possible
- Have confidence in who you are
I started this blog to document the changes that are happening in my life as I balance my marriage, work, family and being a new mom to twins. I hope to look back and remember what my life was like because it seems to be changing more rapidly than I ever imagined. If I end up helping someone in a similar situation along the way, that would be amazing. Sometimes it helps to hear what others in similar situations are experiencing and hear how they handle certain things to make you feel better about your own situation or more capable to make it through another day. With that being said there will be some things that I am not going to share on this blog. Out of respect for my family, I wont be sharing their names or faces on this blog. It is my choice to share some aspects of our life and I don't think it would be fair to post pictures of my children or husband in the process. This is also a matter of personal safety. My goal is to create a way for people to peak in our windows and see what life with tins is like without harming my family.
On July 9, 2015 we had our babies, LB and LG. They are fraternal twins, a boy and a girl. When people tell you that a baby changes everything, boy are they right! I thought we were ready to have a baby when we started trying. I even thought "we can do this. We will still do the things we do now, but have a baby with us." I can't begin to tell you how wrong I was. The truth is that there is no way to prepare yourself for the changes that happen when you have your first child. Now, I don't have anything to compare this too, but twins have rocked our world greater than we ever expected. I'm sure having one baby would do a good amount of rocking too. The 18 year old me knew that I wanted to have kids one day, but she never imaged that she would be the mom to twins. The 29 year old me can't imagine my life without them.
Here are a few things I would tell the 18 year old me today:
- Stop and enjoy being a freshman in college
- Most of the friends you made this year will not be around next year
- You will not become an engineer like you planned
- You will date a handful of boys and end marrying someone you have already met 6 years from now
- You will have children someday
- You can handle much more than you every dreamed possible
- Have confidence in who you are
I started this blog to document the changes that are happening in my life as I balance my marriage, work, family and being a new mom to twins. I hope to look back and remember what my life was like because it seems to be changing more rapidly than I ever imagined. If I end up helping someone in a similar situation along the way, that would be amazing. Sometimes it helps to hear what others in similar situations are experiencing and hear how they handle certain things to make you feel better about your own situation or more capable to make it through another day. With that being said there will be some things that I am not going to share on this blog. Out of respect for my family, I wont be sharing their names or faces on this blog. It is my choice to share some aspects of our life and I don't think it would be fair to post pictures of my children or husband in the process. This is also a matter of personal safety. My goal is to create a way for people to peak in our windows and see what life with tins is like without harming my family.
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