Blessed.
This is the typical feeling I have almost everyday since we have had our babies. They just turned 5 months old. I often remind myself how lucky my husband and I are to have these two children in our lives and that we are able to raise them. At the same time I am reminded nearly everyday of our first baby. The one we lost before we became pregnant with the twins.
We found out on July 4, 2014. I thought I had had my period, but it was not normal and I suspected I as pregnant and had heard that sometimes you can have a period when you are pregnant. I chalked it up to implantation bleeding since we had a positive pregnancy test.
A few weeks later, before our first appointment, I started bleeding and went to the hospital. Long story short, we had lost the baby at 7.5 weeks. To say the least, we were devastated. It took me 2 full days before I talked to anyone besides my husband. It was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. I am tearing up writing about it now.
I think that the most devastating part of the whole experience was finding out how common miscarriages are. Our sonographer told us that she sees at least one women per day with a miscarriage. This is heartbreaking. I consider my husband and I to be beyond fortunate that after our loss, we were blessed with our twins. I can't help but feel for couples who lose babies and never have a baby. This is something that I think about probably more than I should. The only thing I can do is pray that those who want children are blessed with them.
While we have many, many blessing that we have gained after our loss I often think about the baby we will never meet in this lifetime. If our baby had survived, we wouldn't have had our twins. That is unimaginable now that they are here and part of our lives.
In my heart, I believe that our first baby was lost so that we would have the children we have now. I find comfort in thinking that our first baby looks over our twins as their guardian angel. While that does bring me some comfort I will always wish to have met the baby we lost.
My heart goes out to anyone reading this that has lost a baby or child. While it seems like the most unfair and horrible of situations, it is helpful to find the positive. I know there is nothing that anyone can say to make you feel better, but I can say that most days I still feel a connection with our first baby and will always, always think of him.
I can't explain it, but i know in my heart that it was a boy.
